Earlier this month, I went to Southampton's Mayflower Theatre to see self-styled 'mentalist' Derren Brown.
In his show, Only Human, the award-winning illusionist performed feats of mind control and psychological misdirection.
I don't want to give any spoilers, but the overall theme was connectivity, illustrated with set pieces and apparently random predictions.
Whether the latter came true I do not know as, alas, I had to miss the show's denouement, because…well, you know why.
Because I live on the Isle of Wight.
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Shortly before Brown's big reveal, I discreetly made my way to the foyer, from where I managed to share a taxi to the Red Jet terminal with some other early-leaving Islanders; thankfully scraping onto the last crossing.
This was essential, as my car was in Cowes, and the later midnight vehicle ferry would've put me on the wrong side of the Medina at a time long after the floating bridge had tucked up its chains for the night.
But never mind the nail-biting dash to the ferry while Derren was still performing, getting to Cowes earlier in the day had, in itself, been a magical mystery tour; a convoluted journey any thread-weaving mentalist might have struggled to follow.
Manoeuvring out of Ryde and into Cowes involved so many road closures and diversions, my brain was already spinning before my evening with the mind-mangling magician.
These days traversing the Island from A to B has been complicated by roadworks and detours to become A to Z, via H, E, L and P.
After a moment of existential despair, the name of town B eventually hovers into view on the 'temporary' yellow and black signs - destination finally within your grasp.
In a county where anywhere is apocryphally no more than 20 minutes away, finding the most efficient route in 2026 is the kind of logistical conundrum that might defeat Derren.
Perhaps we should requisition a slime-mould to solve it?
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These single-celled, brainless organisms have astonishing spatial awareness, and can find the optimal passage through a maze; dead-ends dying back so that the plasmodial organism concentrates its energy on the shortest route between specified points.
However, I doubt our navigating blob has had to deal with plotting a course from Ryde to Cowes, with Firestone Copse being closed, plus Elenor's Grove, also at one point Binstead Road and Havenstreet, never mind temporary traffic lights at Lushington Hill and a surprise burst water main in my street, otherwise the organism's branches would have withered away to nothing - and that's before we get to Newport!
As well as Ryde and Cowes, they've got it just as bad in Brading, Sandown, Ventnor and also Wroxall.
If you have the fortitude to brave the biblical rain you might be able to find a direct route on a bicycle, and those travelling via bus or driving an emergency vehicle are allowed to go against the flow of the Horsebridge Hill one-way system - but the rest of us will have to go the long way round.
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