Asda cafe on the Isle of Wight given zero by reviewers Matt and Cat

However, our tea was hot and fresh, made by a friendly barista.

We carried our drinks to a nearby table, beyond booths which all had unusable seats, adorned with yet more signage promising imminent refurbishment.

Another cheerful Asda employee soon arrived with our hot meals.

Tea and an Italian flatbread described as "the worse of the two meals" (Image: Matt and Cat)

The cheese and tomato toastie with a "true horror lurking within" (Image: Matt and Cat)

Cheese and tomato toastie, you'd think, would be the dish that couldn't go wrong — alas no.

Two slices of industrial white bread arrived with a thin layer of cheese-like substance on the outer round.

A leather-tough sliver of actual tomato adorned the top, but the true horror lurked within.

A scant orange oily paste had nodules we tentatively say might have been extruded cheese, set in a matrix, which could once have formed parts of a tomato.

This tasteless filling served only to soften the flimsy bread to a gloop, that fell apart in the hands.

The toastie had nothing to redeem it.

The Italian flatbread and cheese and tomato toastie (Image: Matt and Cat)

We had higher hopes for the Italian salami flatbread.

The bread was indeed flat, containing a few thin slices of what looked more like chorizo than anything Italian.

Some mozzarella was in the mix, plus fragments of bland orange stuff that we first thought might be 'nduja sausage — but no. Or maybe sun-dried tomato? Also no.

At a loss, we concluded this was some form of tomato, akin to the contents of the toastie.

The flatbread was, if anything, the worse of the two meals.

The cafe at Asda is a pitiful excuse for a lunchtime destination.

The sole redeeming features were the helpful and determinedly cheery servers, who bustled round and, against the odds, seemed to genuinely care about their customers.

This contrasted ridiculously with the resources they had at their disposal.

Seats that should have been condemned years ago, are only now due for replacement.

The range of both food and drink on offer is so dismally limited, there seem more apologetic signs than there are dishes on the menu.

Let us take the most charitable view possible, and hope the forthcoming refurbishment razes the entire cafe to the ground and starts from scratch. It could only be an improvement.

Matt and Cat's zero stars verdict (Image: Matt and Cat)

The bill (Image: Matt and Cat)