DEAR Bob, you really have been a seely sausage attending that barbecue in Seaview last month, and you deserve all the flack you are currently getting for breaking your own government rules, but you will be pleased to know I have decided not to join the campaign insisting that you resign.

More about my reason later, but first, I have a few questions that we, your constituents, need answering. Dominic Cummings’ eye-test story was a bit blurry around the edges, but it seems small fry compared to your half-a-sausage story.

1. If you were on constituency business in Seaview on May 22, as you stated, then why oh why did you have your girlfriend with you? Not only would it have been breaking the lockdown rules of the time to have more than one person meeting up with one other person, but who on earth takes their girlfriend to work with them?

2. As you had already written to respond to Freddy Gray’s article about the IW in The Spectator, why did you feel the need to go and see him in person, especially as he is not a constituent?

3. Who leaked the story of you attending the barbecue to the left-wing Guardian? If it was just a small gathering of what appears to be all Tories, then either it had to have been a neighbour or the story was purposely leaked to embarrass you — do you think it could have been Freddy Gray himself who leaked it? After all, your letter to him which was published in The Spectator on May 3 wasn’t particularly nice, especially as you called his words, “lazy” and “ill-placed”.

It struck me as rather odd that, in The Guardian article which busted you, your so-called friend, Freddy, gave them an awful lot of information which just didn’t need to be offered up. For example, Gray told them the pair of you had had a recent, “falling out”, and he then went on to use words which conjure up pictures in readers’ minds — words such as, “massive rave in the garden”. Freddy also didn’t need to mention it was a barbecue, or that there was “champagne” and “white wine”, and why did he mention that you, “may have eaten one or possibly two sausages”. All completely unnecessary information that the Guardian knew nothing about. Friends don’t do that to friends, and we can’t call it naivety as Mr Gray is a very experienced journalist — he knew exactly what he was saying.

One other thing which doesn’t quite add up in all this, is Freddy Gray says he invited you over to his place, whereas in your explanation of events you stated you, “dropped in to see” him, as if you just happened to be passing. Your “dropped in” explanation just doesn’t wash, especially as you had your girlfriend with you. To the man on the street, ie: myself and all of your constituents, it looks like you knew you were attending a “gathering”, and that you are taking us for fools with your explanation.

Bob, you are certainly right when you say you judged this situation badly, but if your judgement is really this bad, what else might you misjudge while acting as our MP?

And so to the reason that I am not joining the campaign to insist that you resign. The truth is, if you did resign, all that would happen is you would be replaced by someone else just like you; ie: a privileged white man who doesn’t actually achieve anything for the Island....and please don’t bother to mention the railway, hardly any of us are interested. In short, Bob, my expectations are so low, I am indifferent as to whether you stay or go.

I look forward to your reply in next week’s letters page, although my expectations really are so very low, that I won’t be holding my breath for one.

Yours unexpectedly, Malcolm Mime